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Name: Courtney
Gender: Female
Interests: Watching movies, frozen yogurt from TCBY, jumping out from behind corners and scaring my friends, Ultimate Frisbee, tennis, and about everything else
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/30/2007
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| it's funny how you can be "off" from work for 8 days, your mind free to wander as you wish (or it wishes), and your creativity to burst out in any way or shape it wants. you have the freedom, time to do this in a sense because you're technically not in bondage (though some noises of your ball and chain dragging the floor and the unpleasant grating sound of a metal stick clanging down the hall of your cell doors telling you it's time for morning routine still lingers in the background). while all the realities of these things are put on hold for a few days, which really are a blink in time, your mind is paralyzed.
then the moment that you wake up on the verge of going back to the day in and day out, your mind wants to explode with freedom. your heart wants to truly go sit at the edge of the mountain (or hill, have you) and soak in every single drip of the sunset, or just the feel of the wind.
this isn't what i want every break to feel like or be. why can't i be as free and as joyfilled as i was this week, every single week of the year? i've got to train myself in some way to accomplish that. and though the use of 'train' makes me cringe or think 'great, another thing i'll attempt and hopefully won't fail at,' through some way or another, i've got to make this life what it should be. what it's meant to be, and be about. not what society or the man or the world or whatever bullshit you want to label it as, sort of steers me to think how it has to be. i don't think it has to be like this. and i definitely don't want it to be like this.
something else to join me in wrestling with:: why is it so hard to make someone out to be a good person? it saddens me that it is so easy (whether to myself or to someone else) to dislike another individual. i know my ideals can get the best of me and i know that we'll never live in a world (at least this one) where love will spread like wildfire. things in this world won't ever be peachy keen, but, realistically, why do we have to convince ourselves and others that someone is good.
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| i got on the scale this morning.
i kind of had an idea of what to expect, but being an optimist, I was looking forward to some, how do you say, downward change, in the number that would digitally appear. I tapped it once with my big toe so it would come on, and I waited for the 0 to show up, letting me know it was ready. Ready for the weight to be added. i carefully stepped on..and waited...
and then the number appeared. and I about jumped up and down, not trying to, but maybe breaking the scale (in a good way, of course). HOLY SCHMOLY! I've lost 10 pounds since I last weighed myself about 3 weeks ago! Well it's no wonder. I don't snack anymore during the day because I'm with 23 fifth grade *angels* all day long. I eat a good, sensible breakfast. A small, sensible lunch. And then I come home and eat dinner. I walk around all day long, which is tiring, and more. It's no wonder I've shedded 10 pounds. Well, hot dog! I just might have a hot dog today! Now I know that the long hours and fast meals and such won't have to be done in vain.
and then i got on the scale again.
and I weigh the same as three weeks ago.
What a cruel, cruel scale.
On another, completely separate note, I'm moving into my new apartment next weekend! I can't stinkin' weight....I mean, wait :P
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| ever feel like you're on the verge of something big?
perhaps it's just a feeling?
...but maybe it's an intuition
regardless, i'm excited about it!
...i've been waiting for this jump...! :)
it might take me until sundown, but i'll do it! (perhaps not this gracefully, though :)
**note to the reader: this is a scenario. this does not technically mean that cliff diving should be anywhere in the near future. just. an. example :P
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| Peace is a funny thing. I'm not talking about tree-hugging, two fingers in the air, tie-dye Woodstocky peace. I'm also not talking about the symbol seen on one of Obama's daughter's shirts while in Italy. I don't care about any of that anyway, and I'll stop that potential rant right there, but it was just another "peace" to point out. One that i'm not talking about.
Peace about a situation is something that can't be fabricated or something we can pretend to achieve. True peace is something I believe comes from God. It's not something i've ever stumbled upon ;) myself. It is, however, something i've yearned for a lot with given situations i've experienced.
With that being said, i'll just go ahead and say there's a whole lot i could, and some would say should, be doing right now. Perhaps i should be driving around to every elementary school in the desoto, webster, caddo, bossier, yinchuan area and strategically placing my resume on principals' desks. Perhaps i should be visiting school board websites everyday and using some rollover minutes calling the Job Line multiple times each day. maybe even each hour. Perhaps i should be creating things for a classroom. Or making something for said classroom.
but I'm not.
And that honestly doesn't bother me in the least bit. Would I be lying if I said that it wouldn't be nice to have a teaching position right now? Yes. But am I at all worried? No. And i can say that (for once) with my whole heart.
It's where the peace comes in. There are some 10 positions right now that I could be interviewing for. But nothing about them jumps out at me. So here I am, just sitting here, waiting. I'm waiting and I'm filled with so much joy!...every single day. And i haven't felt this way in a long time. It's not just called peace. It's a whole new view of faith. I know that he'll provide. Not only because he promises or because he always has, but because he does so for the lillies.
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| It's time for the typical 'can't believe this semester is DONE' post. But this will be the last ever and that just wows me! No more scrambling at 8am on compass to register for the next semester, no more tears shed over stressful late night portfolios, and no more petty assignments assigned for no REAL reason at all! Whew! (and that's all for my rant right now :)
It's also time for me to schpill a little about an amazing person I've gotten to hang out with more because of school being done. Go ahead and stop reading if you're afraid you might gag. I don't care. I don't care because this isn't about you. It's about me and him and how I make him feel and how he makes me feel. And that feeling is incredible. With him, I can conquer the world or leave it the next second and never look back! He cheers me on AND challenges me. Reminisces AND rants with me. Laughs and loves. He jokes me in the side AND pokes me in the side. He cares and listens and tells me it's okay (hookah!) when I'm crazy :P
Nathan is awesome and exactly what I need. :D
Goodnight for now, friends.
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